Can any couple after marriage say confidently that all days are gone as good day only?
No complete stop of talking?
Or, wife or partner all of a sudden decided to go to maike? ( A word popularly used in India that wife decided to go to Mothers house because of sudden miss understanding with husband).
Some people express it with close friends or with close family members.
But it happens with every couple.
Of course, it’s there.
But that is rare.
You can see everywhere. So many divorces reported.
Physical or mental abuse.
In India itself, divorce cases are rising.
That does not mean we Indians are lucky and have the experience of living happily than other countries? As most of the marriages are arranged marriage, does it indicate arranged marriage is truly the best in the world?
But real scenario is different.
Recently cases are increasing.
Interestingly, the ‘separated’ population in India is three times the divorced population. Dishonor associated with separation, it can be considered as cases of divorce only and as such, the real figures for divorce are likely to be higher.
As a matter of fact, low divorce rate in India is the result of some others reasons that exist in our country compared to western world. What are those reasons?
Let’s have a look.
Does women has a voice?
As patriarchy still has a stranglehold on the society as a whole, divorce rates are lower in general other than metros and big cities as because many women are not in a position to speak up against their families, or support themselves financially and emotionally if they choose to walk out of oppressive marriages.
In most such cases woman could not raise their voice and keep mum and has to suffer rather than going for separation or divorce.
Culture plays a role over happiness
In case of bad marriage or unhappy marriage, most of the times, the family’s ‘reputation, the feelings of the entire ecosystem around us are given more important than to follow the pain in heart. So, thinking separation or divorce remains the last option to choose because of tremendous feeling of shame of selfishly abandoning your familial duties, and damaging your family name in the process.
Legal process is longer
Though in the midst suffering a unhappy marriage or relationships issues beyond bearable limit, many avoid to go for a divorce is because of legal system in India is so slow and long-drawn that simply initiating the process of divorce is like date Sunny deol movie.. Tarikh pe tarikh..date after date. The legal battle out of divorce case with adjourned hearings and perennial staff crunch in courts, takes up a lot of time — and a lot of money.
I have seen, one of my friend’s divorce case took almost seven years to settle. That too, after lots of money!
So, why to go for a divorce.
Morality empowers legality
As Judges are also the products of our society, and their focus is on reconciliation rather than separation, there are many cases that women have tales to narrate of judges asking them to think of their family and kids, despite having evidence of cruelty and abuse.
Couples seeking divorce through mutual consent often have to go for endless rounds of counselling and mediation. Even if we assume the judges are well-intentioned, they ignore what two adults want for themselves, and force them to go through a process that delays their attempts to build a new life.
Religion plays a major role
In India, Hinduism is the dominant religion and marriage is considered a sacred bond that is supposed to outlive rebirths. That’s why, religion play a major role behind the longevity of Indian marriages.
But society is becoming more modern with each passing days, economy is improving, women becoming financially independent and societal norms relax, divorce and separation case are increasing if one look deeply on the matter.
All these case of divorce or separation are because of relationship issues. You know, every relationship is unique, and people come together for relationship for many different reasons.
To feel happy and content and cheerful, relationship must be healthy.
To resolve the relationship issues to the next best level to feel cheerful is a challenge and because of this only, problem starts overpouring and over the time, separation or divorce happens.
Either from wife side or husband.
A healthy relationship means sharing a common goal for exactly what you want the relationship should be and where you want it to go. And that’s something you’ll only know by talking deeply and honestly with your partner.
However, there are also some characteristics that most healthy relationships have in common. Knowing these basic principles can help keep your relationship meaningful, fulfilling and exciting whatever goals you’re working towards or challenges you’re facing together.
Being in this field of handling critical relationship issues to resolve to the next best level, one Sunday evening one couple visited me after seeing me in Google my business.
After introduction, I came to know that they are unmarried and their marriages are fixed next year. This couple Rajeev ( name changed) and Plabita ( name changed) both working in banking sector and well established.
When asked Rajeev, what’s the problem.
Rajeev explained that it’s because of him problem started.
I encouraged him that it’s so nice to know that at least you realized your part that you visited me.
But Rajeev told it’s because of Plabita,s insistence he had to come to visit me.
That is also good part you.At least, you realized to resolve the issues to the best possible way.
In any relationship counseling, the couple should be encouraged and give them assurance that they had come to the right place.
Anyway, after seemed encouraged, Rajeev explained his part of problem and he admitted that all because of his fault only problem started and their proposed marriage was on the verge of broken one and so came here for last minute respite if any.
Rajeev,s version of story was that even though he was engaged but he had a little bit of weakness towards others girl.
I said this is common.
But Rajeev told me where problem started.
Plabita was listening as it was she who insisted Rajeev to come to me to have a counseling.
Rajeev narrated that six months back he happened to meet a virtual friend as young girl through facebook and started chatting with her.
I said that’s ok as opposite sex attracted each other.
But Rajeev told that this chatting went a bit little further and in last Durga puja he met this girl in Kolkata in a restaurant and after face to face meeting, Rajeev started liking that girl more than Plabia and its quite natural, as Plabita and rajeen already engaged and they had close contact and sometimes stayed together also in Rajeev,s flat in the locality, Plabita somehow came to know about that kolakata facebook friend and obviously, real problem started.
Their marriage was almost to finish.
Its quite natural.
Plabita made a hue and cry and told her to be in laws about the whole incident.
Lots of brain storming done. Rajeev had to promise to Plabita that he would not meet that girl again and deleted facebook friend from his facebook account.
I said its good that by this time, all should be ok.
But as they came to me, there must be something beyond their mutual understanding.
I asked Rajeev.
Rajeev told yes there is problem and I must finish this once for all.
I asked Rajeev what’s the problem?
Rajeev told that he had weakness not only for that facebook friend from kolakata but in his day to day banking jobs in office, whenever he used to meet some beautiful girl, he gets attracted and that is his problem and that’s why he came for my advice as well as counseling along with his to be wife .
For their shock, I told them that all these advice, counseling is bull sheet.
On the contrary , as I know that there is hidden science in modern day counselling rathetr you can say , life coaching, wherein you could find out lots of insights just aslking question. So, I asked Rajeev, what he thinks he could do with his that mental set up of having/feeling weakness towards other young girl.
Rajeev straightway told me that he had no idea how to fix and that’s why they came to me.
As I know it very well unless you made Rajeev felt way forward, no advice or standard set of counseling will work for Rajeev, I asked him again the same question what he thinks that how can he deal with his mental set up to fix his weakness often comes to his mind towards other young girl.
This time, Rajeev was compelled to think. I encouraged Rajeev to come out with an answer.
Because once you could find the answer yourself of the question asked, you could make one realized to think from his heart and the answer come out will definitely help one to deal with the relationship issues he or she faces.
After deep thinking, Rajeev told that he had to make himslef convinced that he was already engaged and this engagement part he had to tell clearly to all girls he meets or come across.
I told him to do it.
Who stopped you?
Rajeev was found a bit hesitant to express that in his banking profession, some times, they had to tell lie specially with young lady for business purpose only as once some one knows that they are married or engaged, then some times people are not interested to come forward to open an account or do business with their bank.
I asked him some people means who.
Rajeev told young ladies.
I told him it’s his perspective.
When you are honest and could explain your banking benefits in a professional way, if young girl or lady have really interested , then definitely they will approach to open an account to your bank.
Rajeev told may be.
So, Rajeev asked me what he has to do.
I told him that the probable resolution you gave it to me, do it if you feel it’s the right approach.
He asked me, what I think.
I told him again that my advice or counsel ling will not do any impact on him unless he came out with a solution.
Rajeev told me that he already made a vow in front of Plabita that he will not leave her and going to marry Plabita only and she will not see or listen any more facebook encounter with any other girl.
When asked Plabita how convinced she was about Rajeev’s new declared statement.
Plabita seemed less confident. Plabita informed that recently, Rajeev started conversation with one her lady colleague and they seemed to be very close and friendly.
While asked, Rajeev nodded his head positively.
So, I asked Rajeev again what he had to do specifically to resolve this issues.
After a deep thought, Rajeev told that whenever this feelings of weakness comes to his mind after meeting a young lady, he had to remember the face of Plabita that he was already committed to marry Plabita to live rest of his life cheerfully.
I said that’s great outcome Rajeev.
Sometimes, answer lies in asking question.
So it worked.
This time, I asked Plabita whether she was convinced.
Plabita’s body posture indicates that She is quite convinced.
When asked Rajeev whether he had anything more to tell about the relationship issues they are going through, Rajeev seemed quite confident to express himself that as this time, he came up with an answer in front of a third person like me, he felt that he can easily come over from that situation of getting weakness when he meets other girls or young lady.
I felt happy observing some real transformation on young couple.
Other than just advice or counseling when you asked powerful question, solution comes up.
So, I thought that my session with the relationship issues were fixed smartly.
This was a aha moment for me.
I said to myself wow!!
But before I could enjoy myself that aha moment, things came out that I was wrong!
Though the young lady brought Rajeev for his problem and counseling, something bizarre came out when Rajeev informed that Plabita had some problem which also needed to be discussed.
While Rajeev started to narrate Plabita ,s part of problem, I stopped Rajeev and asked Plabita to explain herself.
She told it’s not that nuch important as compared to Rajeev but as asked, she told that her problem was she could not sleep a single night after knowing that incident of Rajeev physically met that facebook friend girl in Kolkata.
Every night while going to bed, that incident disturbed her that while Rajeev is engaged with her, why he should meet another girl, that too, just to a facebook friend!
Though she told it’s a nothing important but I knew I had to dig deep.
After some questions to Plabita, it came out that not only sleeping issues, she had a feeling of losing Rajeev all the time.
Most of the time, she was scared that Rajeev may also leave him.
Rajeev may also means?
She told that before engagement with Rajeev, she had a relationship with another boy which didn’t materialize.
I asked her what was the reason.
She told that she dint know the exact reason why it didn’t last long.
So, I asked her from that incident what negative belief over the time she developed.
She asked me what that really meant?
I told her that once you had some defining experience in life, over the time, some positive or negative belief developed in our mind that remains deep inside our sub conscious mind. Some time we even not aware of.
After a deep thought, Plabita told that probably the negative belief she develops is that that no relation last long for her.
I asked her did she still carry that?
She said probably she did.
I told her that our brain has weird habit of thinking negatively because of some emotional defining positive or negative incident and later on once this negative belief developed, brain looks for further proof to validate that negative belief and once some related incidents happens, the power of that negative incident gets escalated to convince that what he or she believes is correct.
So, in case of Plabita, her belief that no relation last long gets validated from that Rajeev incident of cheating her and back of her mind, she may be thinking that this relation too may not last long.
While explained this brain’s part of getting validation to Plabita and asked her what she thinks.
She got shocked and seemed scared.
Over the cross questioning, one thing was revealed that unless she could get rid of this negative belief that no relation last long, there is probability that how much Rajeev tries to maintain this relationship, it may also break some day.
So I asked her what she wanted.
She told that she loves Rajeev and by any means she wanted to continue with this relationship and she wanted to marry Rajeev only.
Then, the million dollar question comes.
Only way forward is, to scratch this negative belief already implanted in brain that no relation last long.
I told her what she can do is to write down this negative belief in a piece of paper in bold letter and then needs to make it erase it with a pen or pencil as a metaphor to make it illegible and flush it out in toilet or throw it out.
Can she do it?
She told its easy.
But only doing this, does this negative belief will go away?
It was asked to Plabita to think and come out with an idea how she could make this negative belief with some positive statement.
After some brain storming, she came out that she could reframe this negative belief like : my relationship with Rajeev is ever lasting where I give space to my partner.
I told her, to write down this statement and hang it on her wall on some places where she can see to it and feel it most of the time.
Once she starts looking into the statement, over the time, new positive belief will develop erasing the negative one and she will feel content and gets confident that her new relationship with Rajeev is full proof.
I asked whether she could do it.
She said surely she could do it.
This time, I have seen the aha moment on faces of both Plabita and Rajeev.
The point here I am making is, though, in any relationship issues, certain things are most important to pay attention to, like….
# Spend quality time face to face
# Effective communication
# keeping physical intimacy alive
# Mutual respect
# Be willingness to forgive
# Be prepared for ups and down
# Be open to change
But unless, you asked powerful question to yourself, all these aspect will not come into play a role.
So, next time, when you have a relationship issues with your spouse, develop a skill to ask powerful question, what best you can do to take it to next level to resolve the issues to feel delighted.
You will be surprised to find out that solution of your problem lies in asking powerful question only.
In such cases, you can ask ..
- Does my partner encourage me to grow?
- Do we share goals for the future?
- Do we want the same kind of relationship?
- Can I be myself with them?
- Do I accept them for who they are?
- Do we give and take from each other fairly equally?
- Is my life better with them in it?
- Does our time together have meaning?
If the answer is not “yes”, take time and ask how or what you have to do to make it workable.
Answer will definitely come to your mind and work on it to take relationship issue to the next best level.
Of course, to get a feeling of fulfillment.
To get your Aha moment like Rajeev and Plabita!
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